FARTING: the RULES of engagement

LMAO< this was good

Love the cow picture

"METHAN"! the natural gas

I would have to say that Deviled Eggs are bad..lol

One of my guys is getting older and he's like this little old man. Toots all the time! Thankfully, most of the time they aren't that bad. But I can sure make him feel embarrassed after doing it.

Dalton! Was that YOU??? I get a sort of lowered head acknowledgement.

Boston Terriers are well known for letting forth stink bombs. Sophie, my little darling, always seems so surprised when she lets one rip. She will jump around and sniff the air, a move which always produces another one...and which time she will jump around and sniff the air, a move which always produces another one...at which time she will...

And may I just add that sometimes leaving the room is not enough to escape the funky nostril assault. Sometimes leaving the state isn't enough.

At least she never says 'pull my finger'.

My friend had a boxer that would stealth fart...

Of course once the stench hit your nose... well it wasn't quite so stealthy...

So we trained her... every time she'd fart we'd yell... and she'd get up and leave...

Our training was so good she'd get up... and then it would hit us....

Great she learned to fart... then leave... all part of our master plan...

We had a boxer years ago with the name of Tory. Each night after my wife and I got in bed, Tory would do her routine: lap water from the toilet bowl, belch, fart, then crawl under our bed. Every night without fail. I miss her.

All your dog needs is some Pepcid AD for that gas - no big deal. Why let him or her run around with gas pain? Oh yeah, I forgot - it's about the smell and the noise, so visually impaired people can enjoy them too. Yup, I get it.

ambivalent - that's hilarious! The Pepcid pills were a bit too small for my nostrils, so I wrapped tissue around each one before re-plugging. ;););)

Well done!

I have Corgis. Neither one has farted that I know of.

I am a Scot. We never fart. We just blow up when we turn 50. I did and I did. Now I have to wait another 50 years.

My Silky Terrier started to really let them loose once he hit 8, there again 50 plus means lots of juice!

former: too funny visualizing that one!!!

We have two dogs that fart all the time. It's bad enough to peel the paint off the walls. One of them does it audibly every time. She is hilarious going up the steps - an audible burst with every step .... unless you happen to be behind her - then you might find yourself on your back at the bottom of the steps. It probably doesn't help that no matter what we try, we cannot break them of eating their own @!$%# in the yard.

Dog farts; is there anything nastier in smell? I think not. My son's description of them? "Smells like hot sick ass on a dead carcass." Pretty accurate, especially for our 2 y/o lab mix when she eats Science Diet. Good God.

Dog farts; is there anything nastier in smell?

Yes. Cat farts and the smell from a tannery. Maybe an abattoir. Maybe.

My sister used to feed her dog brussel sprouts, if you can imagine!

My dog is a stelth farter

My dog likes to bounce them off the hardwood floor and then looks at you and wags her tail so the smell gets to you faster.

My dog turns and stares at his butt when he does it, then turns to me with a question in his eyes. How am I supppsed to know?

We used to goof on our toy poodle. All you had to do is make a sound like a fart, and he'd freak out, look at his butt, and jump off the couch. (I sure miss him.)

My sister used to feed her dog brussel sprouts, if you can imagine!

Oooooh Noooo! Shelby! I'm dying over here.

I laughed so hard at that I farted.......ooops! Excuse me.

But, krounded, inquiring minds want to know.....what did it smell like?

Me or the dog?

I laughed so hard at that I farted.......ooops! Excuse me.

........yours.

Why... orchids of course :-)

Funny, I figured you for rose petals. Or frangipani.....

Awwwwww You're so sweet Shelby.

I bet your farts smell like sunshine!

Shelby and krounded,

You reminded me of my nephew, when he was 4 yrs old. I went to the bathroom and he asked me if I stunk it up

I said no, my poop smells like roses.

So he went in to check , sure enough it did.

I didn't tell him I sprayed my moms rose scented air freshener.

We all just laughed our butts off at him.

krounded - Oh yes, fresh after a rain sunshine!

MJL - That's pretty funny! Isn't it great when they are that small and you can mess with their minds?!

Shelby

Yes it is :)

I had an uncle that would have us pull his finger, we were small and he would fart, we would laugh.

This really brings back funny memories.

When my wife farts the dog actually gets this offended look, gets up and goes away. When I do it he just sticks it out with me for some reason!

When I do it he just sticks it out with me for some reason!

I can see it as being a group sport amongst the men.

I figure since most orchids have no aroma, I'm safe.

I can always con off the sound.

dang you mean it's not a sport yet?

Who knows maybe a new Olympic sport...

ROFLOL and seriously laughing out loud you two are the hoots.....

Lebowsky, ROTFLMAO, LOL LOL LOL....The video was beyond funny..."Farting Contest with Paul Boomer and Lord Windesmear......You have to view this...LOL LOL LOL

That video was wonderful. Got me in the mood, indeed. I think I will make cabbage and sausage for supper tomorrow. Maybe some grilled onions will help. This is going to be great. I can hardly wait. Oh, this is going to be fun.

well let me tell ya, ya all ain't smelled anything, till ya smell one of Rosie. silent and deadly. lol

ROFLOL and seriously laughing out loud you two are the hoots.....

And TOOTS! Baaaahaaahaaahaaa!

But Pat, there goes all the fun! Just be grateful someone doesn't do an Upper Decker before you use the commode!

If you are in any kind of store: Go to an aisle where there are no people and let it rip! Then vacate, quickly.

It was YOU! YOU were the one who left the smell of old cheese burrito in the frozen food aisle of my grocery store as I was reaching for a pizza! ☺

Guilty.....probably.....

You can also letg SBD's out next to really old people in the store, they most likely will get confused and apologize for it anyway. Even if they don't everyone will think it was them!

bad....bad.....

And those seats to the desks don't do much for muffling the sound. My worst one was the movie time, tv rolled in we were seated on the floor. Yup hard tile.. and a creeper hit me. sigh, still get comments on that.

The trick to farting in class is to look around for the offender. It usually camouflages your own personal involvement, especially considering it's the same thing everyone else is doing.

The trick to farting in class is to look around for the offender.

Better is to react after someone else has. That way it looks like you were further away and throwing suspicion in the wrong direction.

It's kind of like how they determine Patient Zero in an outbreak.

'wet' ones are really more difficult to deal with

Especially if they sneak up on you!

Yeah and Fast too......

Oh, this going between articles about farts and back to another one where a guy wants my personal view on sex is making me.....crosseyed....geez Only on the Vine...

True story

My brother in law was in a store and had to fart, so he stood by this little kid, the kid was about 3 , the kids mom had walked down the isle to get something so my brother inlaw moved in stealthy , aimed , fired and was gone. He went to the next isle were my sister was and they heard the mom asking the kid if he poo poo'd.

I thought that was a standard rule of engagement. If in public stand near a person everyone would assume did it.

Or you're a Sailor in Dress Whites!

I personally find farting to be foul and disgusting. I politely excuse myself to the restroom and insert a straw into my anus while lowering myself on the toilet. I flush and fart when the water is almost to the bottom of the bowl, sucking the inappropriate air out of my body without causing collateral damage to the environment.

LOL! I laughed so hard I think I mighta farted. =)

I cannot resist.....if there is something Directly Behind that fart, there goes the straw...LOL

Is that called, .....Jet Propelled?

If a fart has chunks, what do you call it?

My grandson asked me that when he was a little kid. Kids are wonderful.

and if it is LIT is it a rocket or an EXPLOSION!!!???!!!!

LOL! I laughed so hard I think I mighta farted. =)

Are you sure it wasn't a shart?

If a fart has chunks, what do you call it?

Um, that would be poop.

If a fart has chunks, what do you call it?

We'd call them either "sharts" or "wet farts."

Badfish: You should get an award from the EPA for keeping the air unpolluted!!

I should receive a tax break for lowering my carbon footprint.

LOL! I laughed so hard I think I mighta farted. =)

I'll be laughing at that comment the rest of the day.

What about the ones that roll up your back and escape in a rhythmic way?

You can actually get a mini-massage that way!

My mom could multi task, she could walk and fart at the same time , but she never heard it, we did, but she would denie it. "Ladies don't fart"

This reminds me of my mother. She always wore Shalimar perfume, for as long as I could remember. When she got quite old she would fart going up the stairs, and all I can remember about that lovely perfume is that it was always mingled with that smell. I have an old unopened bottle that she left behind when she died. I'm afraid to open it, memory rules!

My dad would fart at night in bed and get all of us kids to laughing so hard. Then he would blame it on my mom.

She would say, oh Lyle don't tell fibs. Then we would laugh even harding.

My dad and uncles would light their farts, prettiest blue fame you ever saw.

My two boys would go out and sleep in the tent with their cousins when they were young, and who ever drove the others out of the tent, one by one, was the winner. A process of (a)elimination, lol.

ambivalent

OMG that is funny.

I have an old unopened bottle that she left behind when she died. I'm afraid to open it, memory rules!

It's amazing how well smell triggers memories. I think that's why everyone has such vivid fart stories.

I'd never want to lose my sense of smell. Even with all these farts going around.

My spouse farts on the pets occasionally. They sort of look around confused and worried.

lol did you really? oh my I can see passing the card but how can you pass gas on command?

I eat at Jays Diner. Enough said. LOL.

I had a friend who always has one ready. If you said fart, he would. How do they do that?

Enoch, You made that up! No way!

A Chinese friend of mine says most philosophically:

Man can control the earth. Man can control the waters. Man can not control the wind.

(Then he farts.)

Excellent observation and demonstration.

Better out than in.

thank you Shrek

@canary-in-the-coal-mine, Keen sence of movie lines, I like it!

And if you're over 50.... take caution... might not be a fart... could be a "shart" and messy drawers is no fun!

ROFLMAO..

Mary, you are a lucky woman to be married to such a manly man. My advice: tell him that you love him. lol

Manly man/superpowers? I'd like to lock you all in a small unventilated room after a chile and beer fest to discuss your manly superpowers. Hmmm, maybe I could win the war! lol

Mary - Beano. On the eggs.

I suppose I will be the only female admitt I will let it fly, and depending on who is around laugh with them. As my dad said to me once (and i know its not his quote) "better to let it out and feel the shame then hold it in and feel the pain".

I am guilty of a few "dutch ovens" in my life. And blaming the dog, and the cushion sneak fart. (a favorite).

Truely the worst I ever smelled was delivered by someone who consumed beer and cheese soup, sourkraut with keilbasa and topped it all off with a few pints of Guiness the night before. He down-right blew up the tiny maintenance office that we quickly evacuated for the next few hours. When we returned (and this is no joke) the air conditioner was broken.

I've thought about using my dogs butt as a loaded weapon against him, but I do not know what contributes to their stench factor or the timing of their gaseous anomolies.

Oh great Mary....I can just see you chasing your spouse around with a loaded dog butt.

Cock the tail and firmly squeeze.......Haaaaaaa! Instant automatic weapon!

Mary, The intake of probiotics will tame the beast and it will boost the immune system.
Sorry to throw a wet blanket on the festival ... ;-)

Was in the head at the urinal and leet loose with one so forceful the metal stalls rang from the vibrations. at the sink an officer said careful you might damage something.

I once farted so hard, I bruised my taint.

one more to add to the odd questions, how is it the in the middle of the number 2 buisness you can fart? while litterally still in the process?

Moby, thanks for posting this seed, I think the political stuff was getting to be to much, for this is a fun one to post on.

My theory is you associate the smell of your farts with the pleasure of the last meal you consumed. It's like Pavlov's dog, although your salivary glands may not go into overdrive.

I have a "fart" story....When I was coming out of a movie theater with my then "girlfirend" now wife, going down the stairs I couldn't help but let one go (silent but deadly). As we kept walking my girl gave me one of "those" looks and just when I was about to appologize, I heard the girl behind us shout to "her" boyfriend...."PIG" and elbow him right in the ribs, "we" kept walking!!! Moral of the story: If you're gonna fart in a public place, keep walkin' cause there's a good chance someone else is gonna get blamed for it...! :)

Hey Moby, that is one of those "great" stories that she "doesn't" like to here me tell, lol!

Your article....Great stuff!!!!

Silence is golden.....or....you name it, you claim it!

The smeller's the feller.

My grandmother would say "When the fox is the finder, the smell often lies behind her"

He who smelt it, dealt it.

He who denied it, supplied it.

It's better to fart and bear the shame than not to fart and bear the pain.

My dad would get to the 4th or 5th word of that little jingle, and the rest of it was said to an empty room. We learned early-on not to stick around for the finale.

Anybody on this seed ever try to fart to the Adams Family theme? Ya know, how it goes right?

Instead of snapping your fingers, two short bursts (get it? short bursts).

Anybody on this seed ever try to fart to the Adams Family theme?

Not yet, but my brother could fart the A-B-C song...in tune.

formerstew,

It's better to fart and bear the shame than not to fart and bear the pain.

Shortly after my wife and I were first married we had her parents and her best friend from high school, and her husband, over for dinner. I was given specific instructions not to toot at the dinner table, our guests did not toot, so I was not allowed to do it either. My instructions were to go to the bathroom if I had to toot. I have always maintained that it is a normal bodily function, but I agreed reluctantly, because I did not want to embarrass my wife.

As dinner was progressing, I felt pressure and knew it was time to use the bathroom. The downstairs bathroom was so close to the dining room table that I knew tooting in there would be the same as tooting at the table, so I went upstairs. Well, climbing the stairs had the effect of removing the urge, so I returned to the table.

Shortly, the urge returned with some minor discomfort, so I went back upstairs. But again, climbing the stairs made the urge leave. Back to the table I went.

Soon the urge returned accompanied with a side ache. Upstairs I go for the third time. Again failure. And again I return but my side ache comes with me.

While I am sitting there in pain, Jean, my wife's high school chum farts (AT THE TABLE) and says "Excuse me". I look at my wife, but she averts her eyes. Eating and talking continue very civilized and politely. Then Jean repeats her performance. I look at my wife and she just glares at me. I am still in pain when the pressure returns so I head back upstairs, being the obedient husband. Again I find no relief and return to the table, now in severe pain.

About this time my inlaws leave and as I close the door behind them, I release the Kraken. Later, everyone is amused at the story of why I kept leaving the table. My wife became more tolerant of natural bodily functions after that experience.

Oooh I could think of lots of things to say, but hell I just let'em rip and suffer the verbal pains later...

Al - That is hysterical! It's important to share a meal with those that behold the same fart etiquette.

Or should we say fartiquette?

Or should we say fartiquette?

Perfect!

Outstanding.

My Mom used to tell my Dad that she was going to shove a whistle up his butt as an early warning system.

My husband and I have dicussed implementing an early warning system, like hanging a black flag on the bathroom door, which means enter at your own risk!

There is a line from the movie 'Fridays' that my wife and I always use "don't nobody go into the bathroom for about thirty five, forty five minutes".

My husband and I solved that with separate his and hers lavatory set up. We share the tub and shower though.

We share the tub and shower though.

You do know he pees in the shower, right?

I know that he doesn't when I am in there with him...it was my formal request.

formal request.

If it's not in writing, the agreement is worth the paper it's written on.

You do know he pees in the shower, right?

LOL...among other things.

Actually it was more like a bribe. :)

Vlad

I recall a long time ago reading a study that said pretty much...

that people generally have and issue the same amount of gas daily, the difference is those who don't allow the escape during the day will be releasing at night while sleeping....

I can only agree, for I got family members who refuse to allow that during the day and boy do they whistle up a storm at night.

Vlad

I recall a long time ago reading a study that said pretty much...

that people generally have and issue the same amount of gas daily, the difference is those who don't allow the escape during the day will be releasing at night while sleeping....

I can only agree, for I got family members who refuse to allow that during the day and boy do they whistle up a storm at night.

Grae - I have never understood the problem with peeing in the shower? I mean, it's all ending up in the same place, and there is plenty of water washing out the shower..... What's the big deal?

I'm not a plumber, but septic has 3" pipes for solid waste, and waste water has about 1 1/4" pipes. I think it is the idea of standing where someone has peed. Technically it should not make a difference, but I would not want to bathe in the toilet no matter how large it was.

Well, peeing in a bath tub is different than peeing in a shower. You aren't sitting in it. Just dipping your feet in it.

You folks have the blame thing down to an artform, amazing!

ambivalent -

You folks have the blame thing down to an artform

I assume you folks means men. Yes we train from early childhood on until we master it.

*giggle* um some of girls were trained too. My dad didn't have sons.

No gender-izing here! But, yes. My boys trained for that and also burping contests - the entire first line of the Gettysburg address. Funny, my daughter never partook of any of this...she must be a secret farter and burper.

A very scientific approach.

LOL...my brother had names for his farts

Fluffanutter

Silent but deadly

Butt cheek burner

And so on.

LOL Mary- "The butt cheek burner"

An extra spicy bean burrito or lamb vindaloo curry for sure!

will you guys stop farting around and get to politics? LOL

Yes, it is starting to stink around here.

fried sweet onions and frijoles refartos - lingering evidence of the act that spreads out all over...